There was a point in my life when I felt numb, a shell of a person that I wasn’t even content in being. I would wake up crying in so much emotional pain it drained me both physically and mentally, I would live my life on autopilot while desperately trying to bag up and compress emotions.
I found it easier to lie and pretend to be ‘okay’ or to tell people I was just tired if they asked because I felt that no one would truly understand when I say ‘ I give up’ what that meant.
During my time in therapy i would lie. I would tell my therapist ‘ I feel better this week’ because I felt even she was getting fed of me and at a loose end about how she can help me, I didn’t want to her to feel like a failure so i lied.
At the point in my life I felt like i was on a cliff edge clinging on for dear life with everyone standing at the top looking down at me but remaining still , I often wondered if it would be easier just to let myself fall rather than keep clinging on.
It was one day when I was driving home from work , I felt so overwhelmed. I was sobbing and driving aimlessly looking at every ditch and brick wall looking so appealing to help stop the feeling of complete despair. I pulled over into a side street and searched how I could end the pain , when nothing ‘helpful’ came up I locked my phone and a picture of my son came up with the biggest cheeky grin, I snapped out of it for a moment and realised I had a problem and I needed to do something because I was not going to leave him.
I made a list of all the things that I was unhappy about in my life and how I would change it. One thing I had always been down about was my weight and the fact i had no energy. I signed up to a gym and got into a good routine of exercise , medication , and positive thinking, everyday telling myself I can change the way I feel. That lump in my throat, that heavy feeling in my chest , that pain - it all started to subside , slowly but surely. Shortly after I found law of attraction and this is when I realised I had more control over my life that I had first realised, the best thing i ever learned was ‘ If you can not control the situation , control the reaction and the impact it has on you, that is where the true power is’, I learned that either way no matter how much chaos there is , I will always have control over how I let things affect me, nobody else.
I still experience low mood and have negative days, but that's just what it is now - A negative DAY , not a negative life.
Written by Candy Marlow